By Danielle Lewis
I wrote this card for Tina (Fey) to give to Amy (Poehler) on her 63rd birthday, which is Sept 16, 2038.
We have 22 years to get this card into Tina’s hands, internet gods please help us.
(Sorry, Amy I think that your hips are going to go earlier than Tina’s, even though technically she is older. I feel like Parks and Rec was harder on the body that 30 Rock.)
This card is to honour all those friendships that have lasted longer than that weird phase where you put kale in everything, including your homemade facial masks.
This is the card that you give to that one friend who actually had the gusto to tell you that peach was not your best colour (and that wasn’t in the 80s). Amy - you look great in peach, so don’t worry about that.
My inspiration for this card was twofold.
Firstly… When I was just a bit younger, in my early 20s, I really thought I was going to be a writer for SNL. This was solely and rationally based on two skits that my friend Ali Amos and I wrote while sitting at the Brasserie Patio in Whistler drinking.
One was called ‘The Guy Who Shares Too Much’.
We all can relate to this - you just met “Aaron from White Rock” on the apres-ski patio and the next thing you know he’s telling you how he just broke up with some girl called Rebecca, because she wasn’t quite as enthusiastic in bed. Clearly, you order another beer, sit back, and just let Aaron share.
The other was called ‘Personal Phone Booth’.
Cellular phones were just gaining in popularity and I thought that instead of walking around the ski resort, telling everyone within a 20 metre radius that your doctor was wrong when they diagnosed you with genital warts, you could simply place a cardboard box lined with panty liners over your head. I realize now that this is pretty gross (obviously they were not used but I thought they would make cheap insulation).
With the panty-lined Personal Phone Booth on your head, nobody could hear you and you could still walk around talking about your herpes in privacy.
Lorne - you interested?
Secondly…I am in the medical profession so I wanted to remind us all that safety is important and a broken hip can be a real set back.
Even though you might think I am making fun of walkers, I am most certainly not - they are a vital piece of occupational therapy equipment. When I eventually get my walker (and I know that day is coming - I have had both my ACLs repaired and I am still very young), I am going to adorn my walker with “I’d rather be skiing.” and “Powder Junkie” stickers.
I will also have a place to sit comfortably when I am at the Justin Bieber “25th anniversary of those two years that I was famous” concert.
Tina and Amy, you make life better, keep being bold and call me if you want to rock that personal phone booth skit. I’ll have my cellphone volume as high as it will go, so I can hear the ring through the panty liners.