This card was written for those moments when you’ve been polite and made shitty small talk long enough.
You’ve indulged your mad aunt long enough by listening to her stories about her “simply amazing” daughter who you know has a drug habit.
You’ve put up with John from Accounting’s tedious golf stories for a good half hour, and he shows no sign of shutting up.
And you’ve patiently endured your best friend’s boyfriend’s friend’s awful attempts at flirtation, given him every sign you’re not interested, and still he’s droning on and on and on about his gym work.
You just can’t stand it anymore, you simply have to speak your mind (after a shot or five of Frankincense & Myrrh, of course).
And out it comes...
Barry (from work) - sorry, I‘m just not interested in your grandma’s Sauerkraut recipe. And I don’t give a shit that you ferment it in a pottery bowl in your basement.
Jackie (from work) - you could use a haircut, maybe don’t do it yourself, and maybe not from Super Cuts.
Donald (from work) - is that really how you spell dummer?
To your sister - you didn’t invent the vegan cupcake or the vegan donut.
To your brother - get a real job, stop mooching off Mom, oh, and your new girlfriend is bat-sh*t crazy.
To your kids - your artwork is shit, your people look like stretched out turtles, and, is it really that hard to colour inside the lines?
To your husband - I love you, no, I do, honest. Let’s make out in our friend’s kitchen.
To your parents - Cool with cremation? Is it rest home time yet?
Damn, that is good gin. Frankincense and Blur.